My internal dialoge

Hello poor, neglected blog.  But hey, I have 4 kids, three under 25 months, so I think everyone will excuse me for having zero time to have a hobby.

Today’s topic of discussion is about my internal dialog.  This dialog runs through my head all day long.  It is one of the things I am “working on”, but I have no idea how to fix this.  So I guess I should say I am not “working on” it, rather trying to stay more conscious of it, and try not to let it rule decisions I make.  Any suggestions would be appreciated!

_____

I can’t wait for hubby to get home.  I have such a headache from the wining.  You wanted to stay home with the kids for the summer!  Be happy with the life you have.  And your oldest goes to camp 3 days a week!  Stop complaining!

I don’t know where this sassymouth comes from, and she’s EIGHT.  I don’t talk this way to my kids, and I sure as hell didn’t talk this way to my mother.  Oh yes you did, you just don’t remember it.

OMG I just want to kiss you all day.  But I also can’t wait for you to take a nap so I can get a break.

All I want is a break.  Just one hour to sit on the couch and take a nap.  The twins nap 12-2, Devon 10-1130, and 2-330.  And they pretty much sleep 7pm to 7am.  There is no overlap of naps.  No break from kids.  I love them so much, but I am so mentally exhausted at the end of the day.  I want a break from mommyhood some days, but there is no break.  If I do get the random overlap of nappers I am always doing chores.  Unload dishwasher, load dishwasher.  Do laundry.  Put laundry away.  Clean up mess that will be messy again as soon as the babies get up.  Call/text back the 3 people who texted me this week. Sometimes I just miss being me, not a mom, not a maid.

Must run errands with the kids.  Get them out of the house.  Go to Target, BJs, and food shopping with all 3 babies.  Yes, I know, I could go at night when everyone goes to bed, but I am pooped.  I just want to go to sleep.  And I feel there whole existence is our house, our back yard, our car, and our basement.  They have to see something else besides that.  Plus, they enjoy it, even though it is much more work to take three babies along to everything.

I am off in the summer, hubby is not.  I should do more than him.  Screw that – you do more than him all school year, summer should be your break!  Don’t be mad, it will just make things worse.  Screw that!  Tell him how you feel.  Don’t say anything – it will just cause a fight.  Yup, the same fight we have every other month.

You look disgusting.  You are the fattest you have ever been.  There is no excuse for the way you look.  Um, I have 4 kids, three who are babies – I have no time to work out.  Then stop eating so much.  Stop drinking wine 3 nights a week.  Stop having dessert!  But they are a source for pleasure for me and I am not getting much pleasure right now from my life.  Stop complaining!  You wanted this life, remember???  Ugh!  Stop complaining and accept that you are 20 pounds overweight, don’t have time to work out, eat what is convenient because you have no time to prepare healthier options, and will tackle this problem later.  Be happy with yourself – it is not the number on the scale that determines how you feel about yourself.  It shouldn’t be, but it is.  But let’s be honest, if I were happier in my life I wouldn’t be looking to wine or sweets or quick meals for pleasure.  I should be getting that pleasure from my life.

Go have sex with your husband.  I’m too tired/I don’t feel sexy/he pissed me off today.  You say this every day.  Just go do it even though you don’t want to because it is good for your marriage.  But I don’t want to.  How do you expect your marriage to improve if you are not willing to have sex on a regular basis?  Men are physical, women are emotional.  Yup, and I have no physical or emotional connection right now to him, and sex is the last thing on my mind.  I would take an extra 30 minutes of sleep any day over sex.

Go call a friend to hang out tonight.  Maybe hubby will put the kids to bed so you can leave earlier and then get home earlier.  No, then I will feel guilty.   Plus, I would rather go to bed early.

These are just some of the dialogues I have with myself every day.  Sometimes all day.  Sometimes at night when I can’t sleep.  I have a very bad case of mommy guilt.  I want to do things for me, but feel guilty leaving the kids, or not putting their needs/wants first.  I find myself yelling more than I should, becoming quick to anger, and not getting a whole lot of satisfaction from life.  I don’t think a mom should want to have a break every day.  I keep telling myself that this phase of our lives is very difficult and this will pass.  We will look back some day and wonder how the hell we made it through.    I guess I am having a lot of difficulty seeing the forest through the trees.

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About conceptionchronicles

I am a no drama mama, wife, and teacher. I love my life but want to add to the number of kiddies I have - and I am not talking about the kids I see from 7:00-3:00! Here is my struggle through infertility over the last 6 years. With the support of my husband and doctors I hope you can see me win my battle!
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3 Responses to My internal dialoge

  1. Read this quote the other day and thought it really summed up motherhood “Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.”

    But damn it’s hard!!!

    • Love that quote!  So true though.  I need to stop worrying so much and just enjoy my family.  Thank you!!!

      • Too funny I wrote this then went for supper then thought geez hope that wasn’t a bitchy thing to write! It’s HARD to always enjoy them!!! And nobody can give you advice, you’ve got 4 kids!!! Don’t kill them and enjoy it as best you can. The dishes, the weight, it can wait. Take whatever down time you can and hopefully it will make the kid times more enjoyable.

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