Yes, still here.  This seems to be my recurring theme over the last 2.5 years.  Bad blogger, bad bad blogger.

Life in my world is crazy go go go.  Up at 5, leave for work at 6, teach high school kiddies during the day while my awesome nanny has the little ones, home by 4, cook dinner while hubby plays with the little ones and helps our oldest with her homework, eat dinner, swap – he cleans up while I play with the little ones, then at 6:45 start bedtime.  7:00 Devon, hubby puts twins to bed by 7:15, then we both spend some time with our oldest and she is in bed by 7:45.  8:00 start chores – lunches, wash, floors, general clean up and house stuff.  Two nights a week we have sports with my oldest.  We take turns escaping the chaos.  🙂  Fall into bed at 9 hopefully to sleep by 9:30.  Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.  Hubby works weekends so I don’t get too much time to myself.  My parents are AMAZING and come over most weekends to see the kids and keep me company (sane).

Maddy is going to be 9 next month.  The twins are 2.5 and potty training, stringing words together and really funny.  Devon is 16 months, walking, screaming when she wants something, showing lots of personality, and climbing on everything (and driving mommy nuts with worry).

Hubby and I are not in the best place.  We ignore each other a lot.  There is so much stress in our home – babies, jobs, extended family… life with 4 kids while both parents work without common days off is super difficult.  I don’t think that either of us anticipated the stress that 3-babies-in-15-months would bring.  Forget date nights.   Forget trips.  And we are both so pooped at the end of the day that we go right into chores and then “next-day-prep”.   Honestly, most days I fantasize about being divorced – no one to fight with when I get home from work, and hopefully hubby would take the kids on his days off…  wow – a day or two a week to just come home from work and RELAX and RECHARGE…  Honestly, that sounds better than staying in a not-so-great marriage.

Then sometimes we have good days and those thoughts go to the back burner.  For a day or two, until he says/does/doesn’t do something and I go silent again.  Silence is better than fighting the same fights day in and day out.  Right???  Probably not.

Hopefully this phase will pass sooner than later, and we will go back to some semblance of a happy (content) marriage.  I keep reminding myself that having 4 kids is a blessing, and even though it is so so so tough right now, that doing it on my own would be (maybe?) better for me, but not better for my kids.  They need both parents, and me asking him to go would be selfish beyond words.

I can’t believe that it has been 4 years since I started this space.  And in that time I tried IVF 7 times, got pregnant 3 times, lost 2, and had DE twins.  Surprise 7 months later – spontaneously pregnant with #4.  #5 will definitely NOT be happening – hubby got snipped!  Not that I wouldn’t love having more babies in the house… I love kids, but I don’t think our marriage could take it.  Or my nerves.   I miss who I was – lively, funny, sassy, social, confident…  I think she is still deep down in there.  I hope some day when life calms down a bit that I can return to the person I was.

That’s all for now.  I will apologize in advance, it will probably be another 6 months before I find the energy or time to blog!


About conceptionchronicles

I am a no drama mama, wife, and teacher. I love my life but want to add to the number of kiddies I have - and I am not talking about the kids I see from 7:00-3:00! Here is my struggle through infertility over the last 6 years. With the support of my husband and doctors I hope you can see me win my battle!
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