Time is flying by…

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A peek into my crazy world!  Life with 4 is busy, especially now that the school year is in full swing.  I can’t believe how fast time is flying by.  My oldest is 9 and in 4th grade.  The twins are 3.5 and my baby is 2.  It really is like having triplets.  They play,fight, kiss, fight, sing, fight, cuddle, and then fight and love on each other.  I love watching them grow into little feisty versions of the ladies they will become.  And a few more, just because this is my space to brag about my meatballs!

Happy new year!

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Helloooooo???

Yes, still here.  This seems to be my recurring theme over the last 2.5 years.  Bad blogger, bad bad blogger.

Life in my world is crazy go go go.  Up at 5, leave for work at 6, teach high school kiddies during the day while my awesome nanny has the little ones, home by 4, cook dinner while hubby plays with the little ones and helps our oldest with her homework, eat dinner, swap – he cleans up while I play with the little ones, then at 6:45 start bedtime.  7:00 Devon, hubby puts twins to bed by 7:15, then we both spend some time with our oldest and she is in bed by 7:45.  8:00 start chores – lunches, wash, floors, general clean up and house stuff.  Two nights a week we have sports with my oldest.  We take turns escaping the chaos.  🙂  Fall into bed at 9 hopefully to sleep by 9:30.  Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.  Hubby works weekends so I don’t get too much time to myself.  My parents are AMAZING and come over most weekends to see the kids and keep me company (sane).

Maddy is going to be 9 next month.  The twins are 2.5 and potty training, stringing words together and really funny.  Devon is 16 months, walking, screaming when she wants something, showing lots of personality, and climbing on everything (and driving mommy nuts with worry).

Hubby and I are not in the best place.  We ignore each other a lot.  There is so much stress in our home – babies, jobs, extended family… life with 4 kids while both parents work without common days off is super difficult.  I don’t think that either of us anticipated the stress that 3-babies-in-15-months would bring.  Forget date nights.   Forget trips.  And we are both so pooped at the end of the day that we go right into chores and then “next-day-prep”.   Honestly, most days I fantasize about being divorced – no one to fight with when I get home from work, and hopefully hubby would take the kids on his days off…  wow – a day or two a week to just come home from work and RELAX and RECHARGE…  Honestly, that sounds better than staying in a not-so-great marriage.

Then sometimes we have good days and those thoughts go to the back burner.  For a day or two, until he says/does/doesn’t do something and I go silent again.  Silence is better than fighting the same fights day in and day out.  Right???  Probably not.

Hopefully this phase will pass sooner than later, and we will go back to some semblance of a happy (content) marriage.  I keep reminding myself that having 4 kids is a blessing, and even though it is so so so tough right now, that doing it on my own would be (maybe?) better for me, but not better for my kids.  They need both parents, and me asking him to go would be selfish beyond words.

I can’t believe that it has been 4 years since I started this space.  And in that time I tried IVF 7 times, got pregnant 3 times, lost 2, and had DE twins.  Surprise 7 months later – spontaneously pregnant with #4.  #5 will definitely NOT be happening – hubby got snipped!  Not that I wouldn’t love having more babies in the house… I love kids, but I don’t think our marriage could take it.  Or my nerves.   I miss who I was – lively, funny, sassy, social, confident…  I think she is still deep down in there.  I hope some day when life calms down a bit that I can return to the person I was.

That’s all for now.  I will apologize in advance, it will probably be another 6 months before I find the energy or time to blog!

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My internal dialoge

Hello poor, neglected blog.  But hey, I have 4 kids, three under 25 months, so I think everyone will excuse me for having zero time to have a hobby.

Today’s topic of discussion is about my internal dialog.  This dialog runs through my head all day long.  It is one of the things I am “working on”, but I have no idea how to fix this.  So I guess I should say I am not “working on” it, rather trying to stay more conscious of it, and try not to let it rule decisions I make.  Any suggestions would be appreciated!

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I can’t wait for hubby to get home.  I have such a headache from the wining.  You wanted to stay home with the kids for the summer!  Be happy with the life you have.  And your oldest goes to camp 3 days a week!  Stop complaining!

I don’t know where this sassymouth comes from, and she’s EIGHT.  I don’t talk this way to my kids, and I sure as hell didn’t talk this way to my mother.  Oh yes you did, you just don’t remember it.

OMG I just want to kiss you all day.  But I also can’t wait for you to take a nap so I can get a break.

All I want is a break.  Just one hour to sit on the couch and take a nap.  The twins nap 12-2, Devon 10-1130, and 2-330.  And they pretty much sleep 7pm to 7am.  There is no overlap of naps.  No break from kids.  I love them so much, but I am so mentally exhausted at the end of the day.  I want a break from mommyhood some days, but there is no break.  If I do get the random overlap of nappers I am always doing chores.  Unload dishwasher, load dishwasher.  Do laundry.  Put laundry away.  Clean up mess that will be messy again as soon as the babies get up.  Call/text back the 3 people who texted me this week. Sometimes I just miss being me, not a mom, not a maid.

Must run errands with the kids.  Get them out of the house.  Go to Target, BJs, and food shopping with all 3 babies.  Yes, I know, I could go at night when everyone goes to bed, but I am pooped.  I just want to go to sleep.  And I feel there whole existence is our house, our back yard, our car, and our basement.  They have to see something else besides that.  Plus, they enjoy it, even though it is much more work to take three babies along to everything.

I am off in the summer, hubby is not.  I should do more than him.  Screw that – you do more than him all school year, summer should be your break!  Don’t be mad, it will just make things worse.  Screw that!  Tell him how you feel.  Don’t say anything – it will just cause a fight.  Yup, the same fight we have every other month.

You look disgusting.  You are the fattest you have ever been.  There is no excuse for the way you look.  Um, I have 4 kids, three who are babies – I have no time to work out.  Then stop eating so much.  Stop drinking wine 3 nights a week.  Stop having dessert!  But they are a source for pleasure for me and I am not getting much pleasure right now from my life.  Stop complaining!  You wanted this life, remember???  Ugh!  Stop complaining and accept that you are 20 pounds overweight, don’t have time to work out, eat what is convenient because you have no time to prepare healthier options, and will tackle this problem later.  Be happy with yourself – it is not the number on the scale that determines how you feel about yourself.  It shouldn’t be, but it is.  But let’s be honest, if I were happier in my life I wouldn’t be looking to wine or sweets or quick meals for pleasure.  I should be getting that pleasure from my life.

Go have sex with your husband.  I’m too tired/I don’t feel sexy/he pissed me off today.  You say this every day.  Just go do it even though you don’t want to because it is good for your marriage.  But I don’t want to.  How do you expect your marriage to improve if you are not willing to have sex on a regular basis?  Men are physical, women are emotional.  Yup, and I have no physical or emotional connection right now to him, and sex is the last thing on my mind.  I would take an extra 30 minutes of sleep any day over sex.

Go call a friend to hang out tonight.  Maybe hubby will put the kids to bed so you can leave earlier and then get home earlier.  No, then I will feel guilty.   Plus, I would rather go to bed early.

These are just some of the dialogues I have with myself every day.  Sometimes all day.  Sometimes at night when I can’t sleep.  I have a very bad case of mommy guilt.  I want to do things for me, but feel guilty leaving the kids, or not putting their needs/wants first.  I find myself yelling more than I should, becoming quick to anger, and not getting a whole lot of satisfaction from life.  I don’t think a mom should want to have a break every day.  I keep telling myself that this phase of our lives is very difficult and this will pass.  We will look back some day and wonder how the hell we made it through.    I guess I am having a lot of difficulty seeing the forest through the trees.

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5 minutes

It’s all I got!  The twins are upstairs napping and Devon is in the swing.  I am looking forward to having all 3 on the same nap schedule.  I am trapped in the house (or backyard) with napping babies.

Quick updates:

The twins turned two a couple weeks ago.  Time is flying by.  They are still very different in looks and weight.  Grace wears 18 month clothing, Ava wears 2 or 3T.  Grace is very feisty, Ava copies her sister.  They are constantly doing something they shouldn’t, then they turn at you and smile.  So hard to discipline them when they are so stinkin’ cute!

Devon is almost 9 months.  She is sweet as pie!  She blends right in.

School is out for the summer, so I am home with the 4 girls.  It can be tough at times to only do baby talk all day, but I do love it.  They are growing old too quick!cell phone pics 003 cell phone pics 003

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Having a big family is busy.  Like really really busy.  Between work, coming home and getting dinner ready, homework, putting kids to bed, chores, making lunches, grading papers… Well, you get the idea.  I sometimes miss only having one child… The freedom to go out with a girlfriend, have lunch with my parents, get a pedicure…  I do miss it, but I wouldn’t want my life any other way! Maddy is 8 and in 2nd grade. The twins are almost 2. And Devon is 6.5 months.  Where is the time going??? Baby weight is almost gone, but I am so WIDE!  I still can’t fit in my clothes or bras.  My hips and ribcage- body after #4 is not so good looking.  My skin on my tummy is like a deflated balloon.  And I have a pouch below my belly button.  I joke with my hubby that I want a mommy makeover for my 40th bday (boob job and tummy tuck).  I want to loose 20 pounds before then.  No point in having a flat tummy or higher boobs if I won’t wear a bikini 😉 Here are some recent pics of the kids.  Time is flying before my eyes!IMG_20150503_152045030 IMG_20150503_162414046_HDR IMG_20150502_120156163

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life with 3 babies and a 2nd grader

Hello, poor neglected blog. I am still alive and well in the blogosphere. I am super busy with lots of kids and back at work. I only see the kids a couple hours a day after work and before bed, which sucks. But at least i see them on the weekends, and i have them all summer since i am a teacher. Four months to go…

Devon is doung well. She is almost 4 months old. Great napper, not a grat night sleeper. We started letting her cry a bit more and cut out the binky. She was sleeping through the night a 7 weeks, then stopped. She would wake when the binky fell out. She was waking 4 times a night and i was a zombie, 3 weeks before my return to work. Things are better now, though she still wakes around 4 for a feeding. This girl can eat!!! She is already 15.5 pounds, more than Grace (the smaller twin) was at a year. She is a very good baby. Mild tempered. She is content in her swing, mat, bouncy seat all day. No colic, thank goodness.

On a different note, i have been avoiding my blog for the last several months. I know several people personally that read my blog (my blog originally started as a way for friends to keep up on our journey) and i have been struggling with the purpose of an infertility blog after infertility. I would really like to journal about my crazy life, but would like to keep the bloggy friends i have made over the last 4 years in a place i could really let go. There are some major things going on in my life that i want to write about, but out of repect for my family, i dont want to blog about it. I hate gossip, and i dont lie. Ever. So not being true to myself on my blog feels like i am lying. And not blogging because i dont want to be gossiped about, or questioned (why didnt you tell me???) Is equally unapealing. I am at a crossroad in my life. I am cjrious, even excited, where my life will be in 6 months, a year, 5 years…

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cannot stand the cuteness

IMG_20141122_083937103IMG_20141122_083930545IMG_20141121_154546986~2It’s been tough with three babies, but it is really rewarding.  Devon is a really good baby.  She is almost 4 weeks old, and twice this week slept 7 hours at night.  She loves her car seat and sleeps in it whenever we go out.  Thank goodness -no colic so far.  Still breastfeeding, but supplementing more and more.  She will nurse for 30 minutes, then root 45 minutes later.  With two other (very curious) babies nursing is tough.  I give her what I can, and for as long as I can, and I am at peace with it.

Back to work in 7 weeks.  Not happy about that!

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